Not That Girl
by scrittore18
Summary: She stares out into the water whirling past her and for an instant she wishes she was whirling along with it.


**Addict, here is your prize from the October Challenge! I will try to write a follow-up to this soon, right after I write Grace's fic. I know yours is just supposed to be a oneshot but I feel like it's way too short…**

 **Anyways, I hope you like it! It's based on the song "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked. I don't normally care for song fics so I surprised myself by writing this. Everyone should let me know what they think, even if it's "Scrittore please never write anything like this again". ;)**

 **(Grace, yours is next! I'll start working on it this weekend.)**

—

 ** _Hands touch, eyes meet_**

His skin brushes against hers. The touch is only for a second but it might as well have been for hours. Heat lingers in her belly, and her eyes fly to his.

 ** _Sudden silence, sudden heat_**

Amber eyes stare back at her and for an instant she swears she sees the same heat reflected in them. Then it fades, the polite mask comes back, and the moment is lost.

 ** _Hearts leap in a giddy whirl_**

Only her heart doesn't stop its rapid beating.

 ** _He could be that boy_**

She tries to think back to past crushes but she can't remember ever feeling like this. No other person has actually made her want to let them inside—inside to see the fears, the darkness, the dreams. Something about him makes her think that he could _be the one._

 ** _But I'm not that girl_**

Too bad she wasn't that girl.

 ** _Don't dream too far_**

She catches herself dreaming about _him_ again—about that moment—and she wants to scream; scream until she has no voice left, no strength left to think. Instead, she is jolted back to the present moment by her brother asking her a question. She gives an automatic response, hoping that no one noticed her vacant expression.

 ** _Don't lose sight of who you are_**

Her mind tries to drift again, but she firmly reminds herself who she is. She's an Ekat; he's _not._

She's only a member of her branch, with nothing behind her name and no prestige. He is a branch leader, holding power and influence she can only dream about.

 ** _Don't remember that rush of joy_**

Sitting in her room later, she attempts to focus on more important things than silly hormones. She refuses to go back to that moment. She won't remember the warmth she felt seep throughout her entire body, the rush of giddiness. She won't remember the rough texture of his hand that made her feel all sorts of ways. She won't wonder what it would feel like to touch him in other places, his chest, his shoulders, the back of his neck...

 ** _He could be that boy_**

 ** _I'm not that girl_**

Nothing would change the fact that a relationship between them would be impossible.

 ** _Every so often we long to steal_**

 ** _To the land of what-might-have-been_**

She wonders what would have happened—what _could_ have happened—if she would have pursued that moment, pursued _him._

If instead of dropping her hand, she would have pressed it even further against his. If instead of pretending the chemistry between them didn't exist, she would have smiled and asked him if he wanted to do something with her later, just the two of them. He would have agreed and the rest would have been history.

 ** _But that doesn't soften the ache we feel_**

 ** _When reality sets back in_**

Reality wasn't her friend. She stares out into the water whirling past her and for an instant she wishes she was whirling along with it. Maybe then she would be free from this pain.

 ** _Blithe smile, lithe limb_**

 ** _She who's winsome, she wins him_**

You see, his heart already belongs to another. She clenches her teeth and abruptly gets up before she can give in to the urge to cry. She's not prone to tears but this is breaking her into pieces, turning her into someone she doesn't recognize.

 ** _Gold hair with a gentle curl_**

She gazes in the mirror, trying not to hate her straight red hair, so unlike the deep auburn of her cousin's which curls at the ends and seems to attract the person she has fallen for so suddenly. She scrutinizes her face, a face which has been called "model material" before but somehow has never brought her the love she longs for.

 ** _That's the girl he chose_**

He is constantly choosing her cousin. Her cousin who is a true leader, who's selfless, who puts others ahead of herself. Amy truly deserves _him_ , the person that softens every time she's near, the person who is head over heels for her.

 ** _And heaven knows_**

 ** _I'm not that girl_**

She should be used to it by now. She's never been good enough, has never measured up. She's pretty, but not pretty enough. She's talented, but not in the right ways.

 ** _Don't wish don't start_**

 ** _Wishing only wounds the heart_**

She gets angry at herself for daydreaming, of thinking about the "what ifs". She knows that it's only prolonging the torture.

" _Why am I doing this to myself?"_ she silently asks, but she already knows the answer.

She's completely in love with him.

And he doesn't love her.

 ** _I wasn't born for the rose and pearl_**

So she will go on putting on a show. She will get her degree, invent technology that will change her brothers' lives, and make her family and branch proud.

It sounds good and she is almost done convincing herself that she can have a happy life without him when he walks in.

The room stops, her heart flutters as she fixates on his serious face, and all previous notions of getting over him flies out the window.

 ** _There's a girl I know_**

 ** _He loves her so_**

Amy walks in next, and a jolt of despair hits the Ekat as she watches him turn and watch _her._

 _It should be me!_ she wants to cry out.

She doesn't though. She bottles her emotions in, hoping that someday they won't explode, won't leave her shattered and empty and _alone._

 ** _I'm not that girl_**

She would never be _that girl._

—


End file.
